Tuesday, February 19, 2013

How to stay hydrated if you're Marco Rubio

I was at the gym the other day, minding my own business, watching the TV of the guy on the elliptical next to me. I was working up quite a sweat as I read the ticker at the bottom of CNN. Suddenly, I saw some very troubling news that cut my workout short. CNN was announcing that Florida Senator, Marco Rubio was going to be traveling to Jordan and Israel this week. I became immediately concerned for Senator Rubio. While it isn't incredibly hot at the moment in these areas, it still is very dry.  Marco, can you really afford another hydration mishap like at the State of the Union address?

First your sweating like Chris Christie after polishing off an XL Meat Lovers Pizza...

Then suddenly you dive off of camera like you accidentally just photo bombed a family video at Disneyland...

All of this so you can quench your thirst on National Television with the smallest water bottle ever created. 

I felt so bad for you, Marco. It was clear that you were melting like a creature from the House of Wax up there. 

With your upcoming travels to the very dry Middle East, I wanted to write you "how to" so that you can stay hydrated and dry. The last thing we need is Israel and Jordan thinking all they need to do is sweat us out to win. Here are some helpful tips that should help you on your upcoming trip. 

As far as your sweating problem, I would highly advise carrying at least a week supply of the super absorbent, Shamwow.

This will keep your dry in any high pressure situation you come across. Maybe buy an extra pack and line your armpits with them just in case of the potential sweaty pit stain. That could be embarrassing if you go to slap Israeli Prime Minister and President Shimon Peres a high five. At least with the Shamwow, you will leave those Middle Eastern Diplomats saying "WOW" after each point you make to them. 

As for your thirst problems, there are a few suggestions I have for you to stay hydrated. My first suggestion would be the always popular drink hat. 

When it comes to Thirst Aid, there is no room to joke. We should all make sure we have a Thirst Aid kit handy in case of sudden emergencies, or high profile speaking assignments. Don't worry about looking silly wearing your Thirst Aid helmet. When that room full of Diplomats gets hot, you will have the last laugh as you kick back and enjoy a refreshingly cool beverage. Just make sure if you choose a water bottle, that it's a little bit bigger this time around. 

My other suggestion to stay hydrated, is using a camelbak. This way you wont have to mess up your hair like the Thirst Aid hat would do. Now a regular camelbak probably wont do the trick for your thirst needs. You seem to be a man that really needs his hydration and can't risk running low. I would suggest this customized camelbak. 

With this special custom camelbak, there is no way you will run low on your hydrating fuel. While it may drain some towns small water supplies, it will at least keep you hydrated for a few hours. 

I hope these tips help you on your upcoming trip, Marco. Part of me really hopes that you get the 2016 Republican Nomination and that Jim Lehrer gets to host a debate again. Instead of playing "Marco Polo", I think we could get Jim Lehrer to yell out "RUBIO" every time your contender refers to you as Marco. Not only would this keep Jim Lehrer awake, but it would really spice up those Presidential Debates. 

Have a safe trip, Marco. Stay dry, and stay hydrated.  

ps- Just don't pull an Al Roker when you meet King Abdullah II of Jordan and you will do fine!

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