Friday, December 20, 2013

10 Reason Why I Won't Lose Weight Next Year

As we creep up on the New Year, I've already started thinking about what special New Years Resolution I need to write down this year, that I will give up on by February 2nd. This is much harder then I imagined. So far on my list I have:

-Be more awesome (not humanly possible, although I'm sure I can make a run at the Awesome Guy of the Year Award again this year. 28 years running! I know I've got my vote!)

-Clip my toe nails. (The keep getting snagged in the shag carpet in my lounge. However, I can now perch from any tree in my back yard and just hang for hours)

-Start wearing underwear (still up for debate)

There is one item I won't be putting on my list this year though. That item is losing weight. It's a nice thought and all, but lets face it, it isn't going to happen. Let me state my case as to why:

10: I'm lazy. I probably didn't need to explain that, but it still is on the list.

9: I enjoy my sleep. Why would I ever want to get up extra early, just so I can put my body through an extraneous work out when I could just be home asleep? That's a no brainer, if you ask me. 

8: Oreos. Oh, how I love Oreos! I love dipping those tasty cookies into some milk. Sometimes, I take them apart and scrape the white filling off with my teeth. Other times, I sit there licking it off, like a cow on a salt lick. Oreos are so incredible. 

7: The TV. My loyal companion the television. What makes for a better Saturday night than a tub of Karamel Sutra and some SNL? Plus, I just bought a bunch of Futurama on DVD. That is hours and hours of great entertainment. I won't have to move for weeks! 

6: The Gym Membership Card. I mean come on, do I really want to be one of those guys? One of those guys that is so cool, because his membership card dangles from his key ring and everybody knows he works out. Yes, actually, I really do. However, being a fat dude, people see the membership card dangle and all they really think is, "oh cute, he thinks he's a gym guy." 

5: Netflix. Oh, thank God I have Netflix now! The tedious days of walking across the street to the local Red Box are done. That was just useless exercise I was being forced to do for movies. Now I don't even have to move from the pre-creased spot on the couch and just stream endless movies! Thank God for Netflix!

4: The Work Out attire. Again, fat guy in work out attire. Not the best look for anybody. I try to look good at all times, and this doesn't fall in to that "looking good at all times" for me. Work out clothes for men are not very complimentary when you look like your 3 months past due. 

3: They still sell popcorn and massive sodas at the movies. Until popcorn and soda cease to exist at movie theaters, I will be there buying it. Nothing makes a movie better then some popcorn and a Coke.  You can even pour some M&M's in the hot popcorn! I'm pretty sure that's how most people make it through a Tyler Perry movie. If it wasn't for their popcorn and soda, they will have killed themselves 10 minutes into it. 

2: The Snuggie. Just another reason for me to continue to be lazy. Seriously, why would I get up to go to the gym, or even get ready for the day, when I have the comfort of a Snuggie? Plus, it came with this awesome book light, so now I can see the numbers on my remote easier at night. You just clip it to the top of your remote, and you have hours of coziness wrapped in your Snuggie. If I do have to get up and go out, I'm pretty sure that as long as I tie the back up it passes for appropriate attire at Walmart. 

1: The number 1 spot. This spot would have normally been reserved for the Twinkie. Due to horrible events around the world though, my beloved Twinkie is no more. I now have to find some other type of cream filled pastry to replace the wonderful Twinkie. Something sweet and tasty. Maybe another creme filled pastry to fill the Twinkie shaped hole in my soul. It seems impossible to do. In my small, irregular beating, clogged heart, there is nothing greater than the Twinkie. 

May you Rest in Peace my little golden friend. 

I have decided his successor will be, The Moon Pie. While it may not be the Twinkie, it still is absolutely delicious and will just have to do. 

Nothing quite like a chocolaty, crunchy, sweet Moon Pie! 

Well, I think my list proves me right. I won't be losing any weight this year. There are just too many great things to do around my house and around my food. Many times around the food in my house. People should really expect everybody to pack on the pounds during the holidays. When I say say pack on the pounds, I'm not meaning just a few extra pounds. I'm meaning poundage in the weight of a new appendage. My neighbors go door to door handing out homemade Pound Cake. It says it in the name! Pound Cake! Yeah, there is no way I am losing weight this year. 

I guess it's time to put away this silly list, seeing as it's useless. Time to kick back and watch some Futurama! I've got my Pound Cake and Karamel Sutra by my side, and I am wrapped tight in my Snuggie. Now this is living life! 

Do they still sell chamber pots? I could use one of those by the couch too. 

 While my resolutions are already dying, I hope all of you have better luck on your New Years Resolutions.  

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