Man vs. Martian

I would hate to see what we would do on Uranus...

NASA cancels "Bring your child to work day"

By Tim Drake ( @timdrake )

Houston- 9:44 AM

It comes with great sadness that we must cancel a 43 year tradition of "Bring your child to work day" here at NASA. We haven't had an issue with children coming to our headquarters with their parents since April of 1970, when a child's sticky fingers led to the Apollo 13 disaster. Luckily we were able to get those brave men home safely. However, after this last weeks bring your child to work day, we have to cancel it once again. We seemed to have encountered a problem with one of the children in the Mars Curiosity Lab.

As you can see, one of our head lab technicians allowed his child to drive Mars Curiosity around the great Red Planet. There didn't seem to be any harm in allowing him to drive it. It's not much different then driving an RC Car. Sometimes when things are going slow around here we will actually race Curiosity around Mars. However, this time it appears there has been a problem. Little Jimmy felt the need to leave his mark on the red surface with a drawing of what appears to be a penis. As the 1992 Best Selling book taught us, Men are from Mars. Little Jimmy has now made sure that this fact was confirmed. Little Jimmy has been disciplined, and we are sure that he has learned his lesson. 

After the Apollo 13 disaster, and now the penis on Mars disaster, we sadly have to end the "Bring your child to work" program. Maybe we will bring it back someday, but with out luck will probably draw a black hole on Uranus. We just can't risk that ridicule. We appreciate your participation in this program. We will not be answering questions for the press today. We have no clue how we are going to handle this problem. Thank you for attending today. 

For more comedy and posts like this follow Tim Drake on Twitter @timdrake 

Jurassic Park is back!

Jurassic Park finally returned to theaters this weekend. Jordan and I went to see it right away. We've always been a fan of dinosaurs. We noticed in this new 3D edition, there were a few changes. Did anybody else catch this change?

Tim's 2013 Oscar Picks!

The Academy Awards are finally here and I'm on my way back out to Hollywood to enjoy some of the Oscar Festivities. As we speak, I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to LA. I can't wait to see Seth MacFarlance host tonight. As you all know I'm are HUGE fans of Seth.  Hollywood is one of my favorite places to be, and I have an exciting Oscar trip ahead. I'll keep you updated throughout the week on what I'm up to. Follow me on Twitter @timdrake for all of the updates!

Here is the moment you have all been waiting for... my 2013 Oscar Predictions!

BEST PICTURE

Argo

BEST ACTOR

Daniel Day-Lewis - Lincoln

BEST ACTRESS

Jennifer Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christoph Waltz - Django Unchained

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Anne Hathaway - Les Miiserables

BEST DIRECTOR

Steven Spielberg - Lincoln

( I still can't believe the Ben Affleck was snubbed in this category. This should be going to him for Argo)

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

Brave

(I want this to go to Wreck It Ralph, but I think the Oscar voting will favor Brave.)

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Lincoln

COSTUME DESIGN

Anna Karenina

BEST DOCUMENTARY 

Searching for Sugar Man

BEST DOCUMENTARY (SHORT)

Inocente

FILM EDITING

Argo

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

Amour

MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING

Les Miserables

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE)

Life of PI

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG)

"Skyfall" from Skyfall

(I would love to see "Everybody Needs A Best Friend" from Ted win this. Seth MacFarlane deserves an Oscar!)

PRODUCTION DESIGN

Les Miserables

SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)

Paperman

(It would make my night to see The Simpson win for "The Longest Daycare", but I just don't see that happening.)

SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)

Death of a Shadow

SOUND EDITING

Zero Dark Thirty

SOUND MIXING

Les Miserables

VISUAL EFFECTS

Life of PI

WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)

Argo

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)

Django Unchained 

Well friends, there are my picks. Let see how I do. I hope all of you have fun watching the Oscars! See you in Hollywood!

BEST OF LUCK TO SETH MACFARLANE!

How to stay hydrated if you're Marco Rubio

I was at the gym the other day, minding my own business, watching the TV of the guy on the elliptical next to me. I was working up quite a sweat as I read the ticker at the bottom of CNN. Suddenly, I saw some very troubling news that cut my workout short. CNN was announcing that Florida Senator, Marco Rubio was going to be traveling to Jordan and Israel this week. I became immediately concerned for Senator Rubio. While it isn't incredibly hot at the moment in these areas, it still is very dry.  Marco, can you really afford another hydration mishap like at the State of the Union address?

First your sweating like Chris Christie after polishing off an XL Meat Lovers Pizza...

Then suddenly you dive off of camera like you accidentally just photo bombed a family video at Disneyland...

All of this so you can quench your thirst on National Television with the smallest water bottle ever created. 

I felt so bad for you, Marco. It was clear that you were melting like a creature from the House of Wax up there. 

With your upcoming travels to the very dry Middle East, I wanted to write you "how to" so that you can stay hydrated and dry. The last thing we need is Israel and Jordan thinking all they need to do is sweat us out to win. Here are some helpful tips that should help you on your upcoming trip. 

As far as your sweating problem, I would highly advise carrying at least a week supply of the super absorbent, Shamwow.

This will keep your dry in any high pressure situation you come across. Maybe buy an extra pack and line your armpits with them just in case of the potential sweaty pit stain. That could be embarrassing if you go to slap Israeli Prime Minister and President Shimon Peres a high five. At least with the Shamwow, you will leave those Middle Eastern Diplomats saying "WOW" after each point you make to them. 

As for your thirst problems, there are a few suggestions I have for you to stay hydrated. My first suggestion would be the always popular drink hat. 

When it comes to Thirst Aid, there is no room to joke. We should all make sure we have a Thirst Aid kit handy in case of sudden emergencies, or high profile speaking assignments. Don't worry about looking silly wearing your Thirst Aid helmet. When that room full of Diplomats gets hot, you will have the last laugh as you kick back and enjoy a refreshingly cool beverage. Just make sure if you choose a water bottle, that it's a little bit bigger this time around. 

My other suggestion to stay hydrated, is using a camelbak. This way you wont have to mess up your hair like the Thirst Aid hat would do. Now a regular camelbak probably wont do the trick for your thirst needs. You seem to be a man that really needs his hydration and can't risk running low. I would suggest this customized camelbak. 

With this special custom camelbak, there is no way you will run low on your hydrating fuel. While it may drain some towns small water supplies, it will at least keep you hydrated for a few hours. 

I hope these tips help you on your upcoming trip, Marco. Part of me really hopes that you get the 2016 Republican Nomination and that Jim Lehrer gets to host a debate again. Instead of playing "Marco Polo", I think we could get Jim Lehrer to yell out "RUBIO" every time your contender refers to you as Marco. Not only would this keep Jim Lehrer awake, but it would really spice up those Presidential Debates. 

Have a safe trip, Marco. Stay dry, and stay hydrated.  

ps- Just don't pull an Al Roker when you meet King Abdullah II of Jordan and you will do fine!

Tim's 2013 SAG Award Picks

Follow Tim on Twitter @timdrake as he live tweets during the Awards!

Today is the 2013 SAG Awards! For those of you that are not familiar with the SAG Awards, they are the Screen Actors Guild Awards. These awards are voted on by other members of the Screen Actors Guild. Basically, the the winner of each award was voted on by their fellow actors and actresses.
The SAG Awards have a very special spot in mine and Jordan's heart as we have been diligently working towards earning our SAG cards.

This years nominations are such a fine class of actors and actresses. When I make my picks of the nominations, I tend to stress myself out over them. I don't know why, but I do. There are just so many great performers to pick from. After my dismal 52% on my picks and overlooking Game Change during the Golden Globes a few weeks back, I took a little more time and watched a few extra shows before todays SAG Awards. Lets hope that I do better this time around. Here are my picks!

Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Supporting Role

Robert De Niro - Silver Linings Playbook

(Once again, I found this category really hard to make a pick. Every actor nominated in this category was phenomenal in their roles. I think they should just call Tommy Lee Jones name whether he wins it or not just to see if we can get any emotion out of him.)

Outstanding Performance By A Female Actor In A Supporting Role

Anne Hathaway - Les Miserables

Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Comedy Series

Ty Burrell - Modern Family

(Wow! What an incredible group of hilarious actors in this category. I really had a hard time making my pick. I think this could still go to Ty Burrell's co-star on Modern Family, Eric Stonestreet. I could also see Jim Parsons getting this for Big Bang Theory.)

Outstanding Performance By A Female Actor In A Comedy Series

Sofia Vargara - Modern Family

(I feel so guilty for picking against Tina Fey here. If she ever sees this, and we ever meet, I hope that she will forgive me. I think this is Sofia Vargara's year.)

Outstanding Performance By An Ensemble In A Comedy Series

Modern Family

Outstanding Performance By A Female Actor In A Television Movie Or
Miniseries

Julianne Moore - Game Change

Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Television Movie Or Miniseries

Kevin Costner - Hatfields and McCoys

Outstanding Performance By A Female Actor In A Drama Series

Jessica Lange - American Horror Story

(Once again she is up against Claire Danes for Homeland. I really think Jessica Lange puts on a better performance, but I wouldn't be surprised to see this go to Danes)

Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Drama Series

Bryan Cranston - Breaking Bad

(I was shocked when Damian Lewis won the Golden Globe for this. Nothing against Lewis, but I think most of them in this category are far better performers. I don't have to spend the whole episode of Breaking Bad asking what the hell Bryan Cranston just said like I do when I've watched Homeland.)

Outstanding Performance By An Ensemble In A Drama Series

Downton Abbey 

(very strong nominees in this category. It seems like everybody in Hollywood has been loving Downton Abbey though, so I had to pick it.)

Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Leading Role

Daniel Day-Lewis - Lincoln

Outstanding Performance By A Female Actor In A Leading Role

Jennifer Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook

(the amazing Jessica Chastain could very easily win this for Zero Dark Thirty, but after Lawrence's win at the Golden Globes, I think she will get it again here.)

Outstanding Performance By A Cast In A Motion Picture

Les Miserables

(another category where I think there were better cast performances, but I think this will be how people voted. I would love to see it go to Argo or Lincoln though.) 

Outstanding Performance By A Stunt Ensemble In A Motion Picture

Skyfall

Outstanding Performance By A Stunt Ensemble In A Television Series

Game of Thrones 

To find out how I did, make sure to watch the SAG Awards TONIGHT on TBS or TNT @ 8PM ET.

Lance on the Moon

(Formerly published on Tim's pervious podcast, My House on the Moon)

After his confession filled interview with Oprah, our dear friend Lance Armstrong needed a place to lay low until everything calmed down. Naturally, he called us knowing that we wouldn't judge him, and we would love to have him visit. We offered to send him a Space Pod for his journey up, but he said that wouldn't be necessary. According to Lance, "Let me just grab some juice and my bike and I'll be there in an hour." I don't know how he does it! I drink 3 glasses of Orange Juice everyday and it still takes me 12 hours to get back and forth to Earth by Pod. It would take me at least a month by bike. He truly is an exceptional athlete! I'll have to find out what kind of juice he's been drinking. He must have one of those Jack LaLanne juicers or something to keep him juiced.

Since I head Lance was on a juice diet, I bought a ton of fruit juices and V8 for him. He hasn't touched one of them yet! A little rude of our house guest if you ask me. I'm a little concerned about his health though. He hasn't left his room much except for the occasional bike ride around the Moon. While I was tiding up around the place, I found a few syringes rolling out from his door. This was quite the alarming discovery. I hope he doesn't have diabetes now. Livestrong, Lance! Livestrong!

(photo courtesy of the Colbert Report)

I hope your stay in our Moon home is comfortable enough for you, Lance. Just make sure to wipe your tires off before bringing your bike back in the house. The Moon dust is worse than glitter! Once we get it inside the house, it's here for months. I am still finding Moon dust from the last time Jordan forgot to wipe his feet thoroughly. That was in October 2009! 

Stay as long as you would like, Lance. We will let you know when everything has calmed down and your hit man has finally taken out Oprah.

I wonder if we can officially start the Tour de Lunar now? I've always wanted to be in a bike race! Time to break out my Big Wheel! Bring it Lance!